Monday, September 20, 2010

MY Hoomin Bean'z Mondayz Jokiez

MY hoomin bean, Sometimes Saintly Nick, cant do hiz bloggie, Nick's Bytes, cause somez nassy hoomin bean hackeded hiz i-den-tit-ee.

OK? Eber Mondayz MY hoomin bean putz jokiez on hiz bloggie dat be sentz to him in hiz emails.OK? Dey be nameded Too Bad It Be Mondayz. OK?

So I tellz MY hoomin bean dat he canz puts dem jokies on MY bloggie dis Mondayz. OK?

MY hoomin bean aint gotz butz a bery feaz jokiez cause he dunt getz hiz emailiez. OK?

Here be what My hoomin bean haz. OK?

A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer. "I`ve got a very constipated cow - been like it for days, it`s in great pain, what can I do?"

Sleepy vet, knackered after working all day and all evening, says: "If you`ve got one of those small bottles of highly concentrated milk of magnesia, get that down it and I`ll call you in the morning to see how it is."

Next morning the vet rings: "How`s the constipated cow this morning?"

"Cow?" says the farmer. "I said cat."

"Oh God," says the vet, "did you give it the concentrate?"

"Yes, I got the whole bottleful down its throat, I used a small funnel."

"Oh Jesus," says the vet. "how is the cat?"

"It`s out in the garden."

"Dead I suppose?" said the vet.

"God no," said the farmer, "he`s out there with four of his mates, two digging and two filling in."

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to nursery.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'..

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

'Winnie the SHIT'

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

' NO!' the children answered.

' If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, '

Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "FIRST YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

It's a curious race, the Irish.

This is an old joke that I’ve posted before; Since it is Alex's favorite joke, I’ll post it again:

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"


Dis be Alex. OK?
Datz all dem jokies. OK?
Now I nomz. OK? 


Lynilu said...

Yay! Alex is a hero!

Alex, you're very generous with your human to allow him to post his Monday jokes. It makes me feel better to hear from him. Pet, pet, pretty kitty!

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Dat was nice of yoo Alex. We let our mom read da jokes on here. OK? Ok.

China Girl said...

Thank you for posting your human's jokes, Alex. I could not get through a week without them.

Anonymous said...

I loved your favorite joke, Alex. And I'm thrilled to see a Chessie picture in between all those LOLCats!